Just Another Flaming Prep: A Commentary on My Immortal
by Cocoa Malfoy
Summary: A Commentary on My Immortal, the infamously bad fanfic by Tara Gilesbie, commentary by Cocoa Malfoy.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!_ **Please...no.**

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(Good lord, can you fit that on a birth certificate?)** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(you failed at trying to sound edgy and made yourself sound stupid)** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **(No.)** _(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)._ **(I know who she is, but I'll be leaving now)** [[I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **(I'm sure Gerard would be ashamed.)** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **(Tacky.)** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(At the same time? Or do you mean sleet?)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. **(Whoa we got a badass over here)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **(Draco wouldn't waste his time)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(Are we talking about the same Draco Malfoy? He does nothing shyly.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(Hoes over bros, huh?)**

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **(No, it's not good. It's so bad that it's famous)**


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!_ **(*story flaming intensifies*)**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(I wake up in a morgue á la Romeo and Juliet.)** It was snowing and raining again. **(Ah, weather, back to your old bullshit, I see.)** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet **( That reminds me of a sweetheart bat Halloween costume I had when I was 8. Is that what Ebony is? A sweetheart bat vampire witch?)** with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, **(Sounds very uncomfortable. The things we do for fashion.)** a pentagram necklace, **(Hey, a religion doesn't make you edgier.)** combat boots **(Combat boots have been ruined for me)** and black fishnets **(prostitute?)** on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow ( _AN: Raven dis is u!)_ woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(I, too, wake up in the morning, grin, flip my hair, and open my eyes.)** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(Back again with the tackiness. Yikes.)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(Bitch, if you saw that happening, why didn't you save the poor guy?)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **(Wow, Willow wastes no time with small talk.)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(The lady doth protest too much.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **(No, Malfoy, you turn yourself around.)**

"Hi." he said. **(How bland. "Hi.")**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **("No I so fucking don't!" Why is this girl always lying?)**

"Guess what." he said. **(Enough with the guessing games, Draco, just get out while you can.)**

"What?" I asked. **(You're an idiot, that's what.)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Nope. Draco would know nothing about this.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. "Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.  
 **(Draco, you should have gotten out while you could, smh)**  
I gasped. **(And then choked to death.)**


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!_ **(No, this is a nice stress reliever, why would I stop?)** _odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte._ **("Chralotte". That's an insult to my favorite North Carolinian city.)**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **(noBODY GIVES A SINGLE fuck WHAT YOU WORE)** Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(Did you have some kind of epiphany or something? Your paleness didn't stop you from putting the foundation on the two chapters before this. Now I want her to put foundation on and describe that moment in excruciating detail.)** I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **(It's not a normal day for Ebony Way without a bottle of human blood. The Muggleborns must be so offended. Hell, I'm offended.)**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Draco, give the car back to the Weasleys. I know you don't like them, but stealing their car is a little too far, don't ya think?)** He was wearing a Simple Plan **(just like they planned out this story: simply. They put on their eyeliner, their band t-shirts, sat on their MCR blanket and planned out an awful fanfic)** t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(Haha, whatever you say. Also, don't insult Draco's fashion sense, he dresses in his Sunday best everyday.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(I always exclaim when I'm depressed. Really gives off that melancholic vibe.)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. **(What a great conversation. If I were this guy's date, I'd never go with him again. He didn't even ask how she was. Inconsiderate ass.)** We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(Okay now this is obviously not the Weasleys' car, nevermind)** (the license plate said 666 **(you really like exploiting a religion like that, don't you?)** ) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(Draco, don't be an irresponsible little bitch, drive the damn car above the influence. Drugs aren't cool, kids. Yes, I'm the mom friend in case anyone was wondering.)** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **(Hippity bippity hop yourselves back into that car and fly back to school, you dumbass children. Can you believe these two are supposed to be a year older than me? I'm sixteen, for fuck's sake, and I'm smarter than these assholes)** We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down **(Couldn't imagine Draco making such a fool of himself)** as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(Screaming inside. I hate this so much.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **(Learn some dating etiquette, you insensitive whore.)**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(It takes a lot to make Draco sad. It would have been better if you'd included Draco shooting back a remark on how ugly Joel is compared to him.)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **(Well, about time.)**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(Italics would have worked here, not caps.)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively **(more like sarcastically. Bitch, do you even know the character?)** and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Draco, it's not too late to leave her stranded with** _ **Joel**_ **.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Someone's a bitter little sweetheart bat vampire witch.)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. **(As a spokeswoman for Draco, I can tell you that he had an awful night. He came home crying, his eyeliner all down his face. It was a sad sight. I handed him his suit and a washrag.)** After the concert, we drank some beer **(Beer isn't classy enough for a Malfoy, don't you know? I believe they prefer the tears of their enemies, mixed with a bit of wizard alcohol.)** and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(Draco is afraid of this place, why would he want to go? You know what, Tara, you cliff-hung me so hard, I'm gonna double up on you, how about that?)**

 **Chapter 4: (you're welcome)**

 _AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!_ **(You're just proving the Mary Sue point, you nimrod.)** _dey nu eechodder b4 ok!_

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(Whatever the fuck he wants, he's Draco Malfoy.)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(I see why you're mad, the forest is scary and forbidden, but no need to be such a dick.)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped. **(Why are you so rude? Dang.)**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **(Evilness? OHNOBITCHDON'TGETMESTARTED)** and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(Damn, not even I'm that easily pacified. Who's more whipped, Draco or Ebony?)**

And then… suddenly just as I **(Just as you what? We'll never know.)** Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **(So uncomfortable.)** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **(Damn, this went fast.)** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(If you can't actually write a sex scene, you shouldn't start to.)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. **(Damn, he's fast. Better get a new lover.)** We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **(Now imagining Dumbledore in the movies walking in like "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!?")**


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: STOP flaming!_ **(No.)** _if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!_ **(I don't know about being a posr, whatever that is, but I am definitely a prep.)** _Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache_ **(Worst reason in the history of literature for swearing.)** _ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!_ **(Sigh. I'm mad, too.)** _PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!_ **(I bet she updated anyways)**

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Dumbledore made **(He made what? Dinner?)** and Draco and I follow him. **(Nice tense switch.)** He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **(I'm sure Ludacris would be very offended by you calling him a fool, Dumbledore.)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(You should see a doctor about that...among other things.)** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(But Dumbledore is always calm?)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(Definition of mediocre:of only moderate quality; not very good. Definition of dunce: a person who is slow at learning; a stupid person. So is McGonagall calling them averagely stupid?)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(Draco...shrieked?)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(Snape, an extremely snarky and bitter man, would not excuse Draco and Ebony this easily.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **(No, the bitch is not okay, she needs help.)**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out…. **(Bitch what kind of pajamas are those?)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **(If you were a good girlfriend, you would tell him to go back.)** We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **(Lies. He dashed out of there as quickly as possible.)**


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: shjt up_ **(I don't know how to "shjt up.)** _prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!_

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(She doesn't really** _ **need**_ **to sleep)** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. **(I am currently wearing high-heeled boots and now I want to trash them)** I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. **(But isn't she a satanist?)** I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(Tacky #3)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **(Nobody cares about your breakfast.)** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **(Bitch, it was an accident, calm yourself)** I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(Thanks for clearing that up, I was worried.)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(? The protagonist of the series and you turn him into a "goffik" disgrace? Draco was already bad enough, but now Harry?)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(Harry Potter isn't a vampire.)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **(Ebony is now a sweetheart bat vampire witch lion.)**

We sat down to talk for a while. **(But what did you talk about?)** Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(This story isn't predictable at all, so I can't imagine what the surprise is.)**


	6. Chapter 6

_AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws._ **(God would not give this 5 "reviuws".)** _n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!_ **(Sounds German. Or Romanian.)** _STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!_ **(Still waiting to be reported.)** _Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!_ **(A Mary Sue being "depressed" makes it worse.)**

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish **(You held the hands** _ **with**_ **the nail polish? Not sure how that works.)** as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings **(Red Satanist Sings sounds like a YouTube name for a ginger satanic musician.)** on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?) **(The fact she's so defensive about the Mary Sue thing just proves everyone's point.)**. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **(Because his parents are dead and so is Sirius. It has nothing to do with Ebony.)** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively **(imagining them speaking french in an uncaring tone)** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **(Passive to enthusiastic? What a twist!)** He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(Yes, it's very stupid.)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(Fuck, a love triangle.)**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

 **(...Bitch, you could have just asked about it.)**  
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(The lesson here, kids, is that Vampire Potter is a motherfucker.)**


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!_

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked **(Detention, Mr Malfoy. You too, Miss Way.)** and started begging me to take him back. **(Not the time or place, Draco. Go put some clothes on and then flee the school, change your name, and pretend none of this ever happened.)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **(That's whining, just louder.)**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. **(I suppose that was meant to say "understandingly"?)** She flipped her long waste-length **(*waist-length)** gothic black hair **(Gothic is not a shade of black. Try again.)** and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **(Why though?)** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **(Back to the white makeup, ew.)** Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires **(how would muggles get a baby from vampires without being maimed?)** and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it **(Enough of this. No more.)**. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. **(Of course she is.)** It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **(Slytherins aren't Satanists, you dimwit.)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" **(Snape agrees with me)** Snape demeaned **(definition of demean: cause a severe loss in the dignity of and respect for (someone or something)...so with saying this, he caused a loss of respect for Ebony? Nobody ever had any.)** angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(She's such a rebel, she's ignoring Snape.)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(Wait, I thought Draco was with Ebony, not Vampire, so how can Vampire cheat on Ebony? If someone did cheat, wouldn't it be Draco with Vampire?)**

Everyone gasped. **(The class isn't surprised by naked Draco but by Ebony's probably-false accusation?)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **(I'm assuming this is Draco's point of view)** for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **(Damn those preps, right? Why is this story so cliquish?)** We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **(Oh, please.)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **(Maybe take time to listen instead of going off on everyone. You're supposed to be 17, not 12.)** I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **(You never had virility, you're a female.)** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **(She exploded and tears were her remnants.)**


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!_ **(Rules to writing fanfiction #1: Know your source material. Know it well. You obviously don't.)** _dis is frum da movie_ **(Nothing like anything that has happened here happened in any of the eight movies. Seventh year, the year your character is supposedly in, they were fighting in a war, not going to concerts and being "goffik" vampires.)** _ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!_

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **(So this was supposedly written by a fifteen-year-old, right? Why is it that I could write better than this last year? If you're not fit to write, please, for all our sakes, don't write.)**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort! **(Why** **would my boy Voldemort be flying towards you, off all people, on a broomstick. You're so revolting even You-Know-Who wouldn't want to know you.)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **(Hermione's poor cat got dragged into this story, too, dammit. Do you mean "Crucio"?** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **(Bitch, you're a sadist? Voldemort's the real sadist here and you've turned him into some little bitch on a broom. The nerve!)**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **(This isn't Hamlet.)**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah **(*gags*)** eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **(*looks up Daniel Radcliffe* *looks up Joel Madden* nope. Also, you said Joel Madden was hot? I beg to differ.)** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **(Not the time or place to be rationalizing, you dumb girl.)**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. **(You're dumber than I thought. You legitimately told the Dark Lord no? I'd ask you if you were dumb, but I already know.)**

Voldemort gave me a gun. **(Voldemort doesn't kill with wands, apparently. It's a muggle weapon he uses now.)** "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does **(If you're going to use archaic English, do it right. *dost)** not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look **(Yeah, me too, Voldemort.)** on his face. "I hath telekinesis." **(If you're going to fuck with canon, do it right. *telepathy.)** he answered cruelly. "And if you **(*thou, don't falter on us, now.)** doth **(dost* also sidenote: please don't ask how I know proper archaic English.)** not kill Vampire, then thou know **(knowest*)** what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **(Angry broomstick flying. Automatic sin.)**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **(Draco, go back inside. Don't deal with your reactionary girlfriend just yet.)**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. **(No.)** He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **(I get it, but it's not funny nor is it impressive. NEXT.)** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way **(Wait, wait, a "pentagram" between them? I think you're looking for the word "portmanteau".)**. "Are you okay?" I asked. **(I don't know about Draco, but I am most certainly not okay.)**

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **(*explained. I wish you'd gotten expelled.)**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **(Multitasking? The most impressive thing in this horror story is the multitasking.)**


	9. Chapter 9

_AN: stup it u gay fags_ **(Oh, yes, because an offensive slur is the best way to handle people telling you that your story sucks. Way to go, Tara.)** _if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert_ **("Afert")** _al n she n vampire r evil_ **(I've said it a million times and I'll say it again. Just because you are in Slytherin doesn't mean you're evil. I was sorted into Slytherin and I'm actually a pretty kind-hearted individual...except for when it comes to this story.)** _datz y dey movd houses ok!_

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I was really scared about Vlodemort **(Vlodemort is Voldemort's less-evil and less-capable twin, right?)** all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal **(Is this a metal subgenre? Let me look it up…*looks it up* Okay, yes, it's a subgenre. I thought it was just something this bitch made up to sound edgy. My bad.)** band Bloody Gothic Rose 666 **(That's an awful band name. Who's your manager? Screw them, I'm your manager now and your new name is 3edgy5u.)**. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR **(Good Charlotte's genre: pop-punk and alternative rock. Not gothic metal. Slipknot= heavy, alternative, and nu metal. Not gothic. My Chemical Romance: Alt rock, pop punk, punk rock, emo, post-hardcore. Not gothic metal. I guess if you mix these - which you really fucking shouldn't - it would sound like gothic metal? I don't fucking know. It's nine in the morning.)**. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo **(Ah, fuck this.)** now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming **(Some work ethic. Bitch, if you're in a band, it doesn't matter how you feel. You've gotta support your band. Damn.)** and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists **( A member of the band: "Ah, shit, Ebony, where's Draco?" Ebony: *casually* "Shit man, probably slitting his wrists.")** (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too **(When the hell did this happen? #plothole)** and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that **(If Christians like me can write out Satan and not have that much of a problem with it, your fake Satanist ass can write "cross".)** ) or a steak **(*stake)** ) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride **(If you can watch a movie, you can damn sure go to rehearsal, lazy ass.)**. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs **(Don't trust a hoe.)** and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **(Does Simple Plan even make that type of merch?)** You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **(I beg to the highest level o er)**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **(Fucking ninja Malfoy, at your service.)**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **(Um, very out of character.)**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **(Draco only cries in the bathroom.)**

We practiced for one more hour. **(Damn, do you even care about your boyfriend?)** Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **(This is why you should have checked on him instead of practicing more, you bitch.)**


	10. Chapter 10

_AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz!_ **(And I "sed" go back to Kindergarten and learn how to type like someone your age.)** _c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111_ **(I haven't read it yet, but I'm already assuming it is.)** _it delz wit rly sris issus!_ **(I'm ashamed that I was even able to understand what that meant.)** _sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!_ **(Raven, you didn't "hlep" that much.)**

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"NO!" I screamed. **(I don't know what I hate about that, but I really hate it.)** I was horrorfied! **(Tara, you can't just add new words to the dictionary when you feel like it.)** B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **(See, this is why nobody likes you, you're a bitch to your few friends.)** and I ran to my room crying myself **(How do you cry yourself? How does this happen?)**. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **(Dumbledore is the** _ **headmaster**_ **of Hogwarts, and let's just ignore the fact that he is supposed to be** _ **dead**_ **right now. Why am I even bringing canon up, it's not relevant here. Anyways, if Dumbledore is the headmaster, then he wouldn't be worried about looking like a perv by going into a student's dorm. I've just wasted my breath.)**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood **(Doctor! We've got a case here. This kid's crying tears of blood and someone around here should know that it** _ **isn't normal**_ **.)** and then I slit both of my wrists **(Of course, self-harm is the same thing that led to Draco's death, but hey, little selfish Ebony only cares for Ebony.)**. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily **(How do you jump into a bathtub angrily? Do you perform a cannonball?)** while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **(If this bitch doesn't learn how to spell stake, I will drive a stake through** _ **my**_ **heart.)** I was so fucking depressed! **(Yeah, we can tell!)** I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly **(What the fuck is "sandly"? What th i y?)**. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **(This is still tacky.)** I couldn't fucking believe it. **(Just like I can't fucking believe I'm still reading this.)** Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap **(Who the hell is Snap? Is this supposed to be Snape? Good lord.)** was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! **(No, no, no, no, hell no.)** And Loopin was masticating to it! **(Not Lupin, too! I'm liking this story less and less.)** They were sitting on their broomsticks. **(Lupin's multi-tasking? Not too shabby.)**

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason **(*Manson, but why the fuck would anyone want him to be on their towel?)** on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in. **(*Harry)**

"Abra Kedavra!" **(That's not the spell. That's not the spell.)** he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb **(Men don't have a womb…)**. I took my gun and shot Snape **(Why would you need a gun when you have a wand...and fangs?)** and Loopin a gazillion **(Not a number.)** times and they both started screaming and the camera broke **(But how did the camera break?)**. Suddenly, Dumblydore **(When did Ebony turn into Madame Maxine?)** ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… **(Suddenly what? Don't keep me in suspense.)**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **(Didn't Hagrid graduate a** _ **while**_ **ago?)**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **(This is some type of fallacy, I forgot which. It's like saying, "I may be a murderer, but I am also a Beatles fan." Two totally unrelated things.)**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **(So, Snap has no other factors.)**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **(Elephant?)** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **(You don't say this shit out loud.)**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **(#relatable)**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **(Clook.)**

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **(Decisions, decisions.)**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **(Rap is not gothic.)**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. **(Because Snape would totally care.)**

"Because I LOVE HER!" **(Oh, dear God.)**


	11. Chapter 11

_AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo_ **(How is a...what, 16 year old being in love with a 17 year old pedophilia? I'm 17 and a junior in high school, and I can tell you, this happens a lot)** _2 a lot of ppl in amerikan_ **(Replacing a C with a K doesn't make you cool...wait, my name is Kassidee, a variant of Cassidy...fuck it.)** _skoolz r lik dat_ **(What "skool" do you go to? It's not very good, is it?)** _I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!_ **("Sedric" as in Cedric? Cedric Diggory? Oh, now you're not even trying, Tara.)**

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago **(Who the fuck is Drago?)** had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **(So, this story is just a really bad Romeo and Juliet?)**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid **(Hairgrid? I mean, he is hairy, but you don't have to call him out on it, damn.)** but it was Vampire **(Harry)**. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(Red whites? Were there blues, too? 'Murica.)**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **(How did he know his scar hurt? He felt it, you dimwit.)**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!" **(The fuck was it before? Did I miss something?)**

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **(Well, don't yell at him for it, Ebony!)**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me **(Sigh)** and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! **(Save you from what, "Vampire"? You turning back into who you truly are?)** then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco **(Dead Draco?)** ….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(Kinky.)**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office **(The hospital wing, not the nurse's office.)** now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. **(Why the fuck?)** They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **(St. Mungo's is a wizard hospital. Pedophiles are more than just "fucking pervs", and Hogwarts wasn't necessarily full of hot girls.)** Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera **(Poor cideo camera)** they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them. **(I'm so desensitized to that gesture that this doesn't even faze me.)**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. **(Get in the bed with roses, boys, that's how you get the girl.)**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you **(As a prep, I am deeply offended.)**." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **(Hargrid and I have a lot in common)**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **(Enoby said they were just now. You mean she's wrong?)**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" **(Oh, man, right in the heart.)** I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **(I would have been angry, too. I prefer red ones.)**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently. **(See, you can tell this was written in the 2000s because Paris Hilton isn't even relevant anymore.)**

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly. **(Angirly. You know what I told you about making up words.)**

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **(No, oh good god, no)**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **(Isn't this the best news ever?)**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **(He's doing kinky shit with Voldemort, didn't you know?)**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing. **(I've had this experience, myself.)**

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **(Introspection, my dear Enobby.)**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache **(I definitely have a headache, though)** or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong **(You had to put the lead singer of one of my favorite bands in this sin of a story? Fuck this.)** on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." **(Nope.)** B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. **(Cannibalism. Great.)** I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **(Why do they allow such things to happen at this school?)**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way. **(You don't say "Hi back", you just say "Hi" back.)**

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **(What the fuck?)**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **(Simpletons? You've got that right, Professor McGoggle.)**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **(I thought that was consensual)**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(I've seen this before.)**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(Kinky. Again.)**

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **(No, I wish I could go back in time to write this so that it would never have been written.)**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I **(She didn't even finish the sentence.)**


	12. Chapter 12

_AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin_ **(What's "gelpin"? sounds painful)** _me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard_ **(This stealing stealer who steals stole Raven's poster of Gerard Way? What a dirty thief.)** _but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom!_ **(Please stop.)** _PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!_ **(No. I refuse. This is too much fun.)**

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. **(You were scared, were you? I'm surprised these people can even feel emotion.)**

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. **(Well, that was easy.)**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. **(Despicable snobs? I suppose Tara should have looked some words up in the dictionary prior to using them in her story.)**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **(Who's Volsemort?)**

He laughed in an evil voice. **(Evil? Dumbledore? Are you kidding?)**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. **(Do we now?)**

"No." he said meanly. **(Damn, Dumbledore, who peed in your cornflakes?)** "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. **(How cold. Of course, it takes one to know one, doesn't it?)** Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony. **(A student's life is in danger and he won't save him because he** _ **misbehaved?**_ **)** " he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." **(Dumbledore is not this kind of person, where is the "Dumbledore bashing" warning?)** then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **(I can assure you that gay guys wouldn't say the same for you.)**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **(Cry tears of blood, which isn't healthy, and then have a brainstorm and say you had an idea.)**

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **(Why would Harry zap them into a death trap?)**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!" It was….. Voldemort! **(Oh, is that so? Also, it's not enough that you assault Satanism but now Islam? What's next, Hinduism?)**


	13. JAFP IS MOVING !

**Hi, guys! Quick note here: Cocoa/Kassidee here with an announcement.**

 **Since commentaries like mine aren't allowed on FanFiction, I'm moving this work to AO3/Archive Of Our Own: here's the link to my profile there: /users/Kassidee/profile**

 **Once I start getting it uploaded, you'll find the commentary under the same name there.**

 **Thank you for reading! Hope you'll follow me to AO3**


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